So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize