I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
