Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize