You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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