He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
