I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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