I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
