yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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