Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
