I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
