At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize