Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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