Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize