just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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