I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
