So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
