Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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