I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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