Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
