either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
