I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
