I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
