My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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