Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
