i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
