so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
