I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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