i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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