I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
