i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
