Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
