New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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