Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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