Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
