Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
