I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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