you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
