My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
