Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
