a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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