I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
