The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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