I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just found puke in my bra..
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
