Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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