question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I intend to get homeless drunk
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
