Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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