my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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