Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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