Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
