i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize