I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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