Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
