My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
