that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
