He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
