I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Randomize
