I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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