the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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