My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
