Your mouth is God's brothel.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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