She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize