does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
