just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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