and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
