farters have to be the big spoon...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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