Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
