i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize