My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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